Photo Phridays

Taken by Meaghan. Doctored by Tan Legs on Microsoft Paint. Done on the toilet.

The F1nal Front1er with Christian McDreamy

A couple of weeks ago, I was lucky enough to get on up to Alaska to sleep with my good friend, Chris Lende (pronounced "lend"). Chris is originally from the last frontier and, in case you haven't seen him in awhile, he's finally shed his baby fat:

"Yeah I work at a lumberyard." - C.S. Lende

And although the picture below shows otherwise, he's also not afraid to show off his newly acquired bod. Each morning Chris managed to wake me with a smooth shirtless serenade (usually an original song he had wrote about me in his dreams):

But enough about ol' Chris. He doesn't need this much attention on a blog, considering how many chicks are into him. Let's talk about AK.

They have an awesomely lacklustre supply of maria:

Even so, Chris was a little shy to display his patronage of said maria:

Crashtian gets sketchy on some coping at Juneau Skatepark. What's he doing over there? Evil things, child.

Whoops, I'm back on Christian. He's just too good looking.

Well... I stood on porches:

And accidentally took videos outside of the bar at 4:20 in the morning:

Believe it or not, folks, there IS NO last call in the 49th state. Get up there.

And I purposely took videos of this guy. Goes by the name of Kid Burfle:

A few seconds only showcase a fraction of the epicness of this man. The weirdness of his name, Kid Burfle, and the even weirderness of his character inspired me to concoct an all-star team of dudes from Haines, Alaska.

Kid Burfle's the only one who managed to get some screen time, but each member of the All Stars were magnificent in their own way.

Adrian, another member of the squad, had a shirt with the word "Abstinent" scribbled on the front. Sure enough, when he turned around, he had sharpied his phone number on the back. Brilliant? Pienso que si.

"Hey Crash, who's the stash?"

But this has been one of HELLAMARIA's longer pieces, so I'm just going to sum up the rest of what we did in AK the old fashioned way:

fish carcasses!, sprained wrists, pretending to be on extremely hard drugs and getting stoked about it, witnessing Michael T. (another all star) get seriously amped up, crunchy banjo'd jams, shirtless hippies grinding on hairy hot canadian femalia (we were with 'em too... well Chris was?), bears from a distance, PBR, co-ed softball, bomb fried halibut, Christian smoking home runs, Christian and sometimes even the PhD smoking other things (king salmon, daniel kweed, each other occasionally), beached back yards, crashing bikes, 3 hours of darkness, dub-stepping to DJ Presha (?), bear meat bolognese and noodles, ferries, fairies, 40 yards out of rough chip-ins, and disturbingly psychadelic puppet shows:

Yes. That's a giant top-hatted Satan parading about with a bearded man in a dress.

But, if there's any chance you're still reading, I'm sure I know why. It's because you were wondering if perhaps there WAS a video of TCZ skateboarding in Alaska.

Well I'm sorry to disappoint you, but... yes there is. You know my skill level, but enjoy tranny-dog Crashtian and his P-Rod inspired headphoned homie, Nels, ripping pure Alaskan indoor terrain.

And if you're not too offended by the song, go find it. "Psycho" by Jack Kittel.

Terminally Chill in AKSALA from Dr. Tan Legs on Vimeo.

Alpha and Omega Kingdom Come

The great dragon was hurled down -- that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him... to destroy the Temporary Chill Zone and their miniature skateboarding apparatus. - Revelation 12:9

Yes, folks, what you have most likely heard is true indeed. The TCZ is in its final days at the location of 17th and Cascade.

While it might "move" to somewhere behind Denny's (the whereabouts of Ron and Roby Jr.'s new crib), we all know those days ahead hold nothing but eternal sorrow, unrelenting darkness, and, of course, Call of Duty online.

So, Mr. Nice Guy, Mayor Cherry Eyes, and myself took a few minutes to film the last couple runs on the ramp before we began its destruction.

It did us well, and will live forever in our hearts... and on vimeo.

And I used another somber country classic for added effect. Enjoy. Or don't.

Broken Fence Chronicles Vol. 2: The End from Dr. Tan Legs on Vimeo.

P.S. - Post and video of my adventures with the High Flying Alaskan in the last frontier coming soon.