Stuck in the Middle is Dave

Ladies and gentlemen -

I have decided to take a break from my self-rooted chronicling of the European adventure and do a piece on a comrade of mine. You will always find this man pearl-snapped, big-hearted, and whiskey-dicked. For those of you not familiar with the founder of my rival publication "MainGrain," I give you, David Edmund O'Boyle:

...Or, for a more accurate depiction:

(coming to a playground or internet chat room near you!)

For a brief bio, this is the town where David grew up. ¡Aurora!:

In a state smack dab in the middle of the good ol' U S of A. Colorado:

Despite his likeness to a pedophile, David is a good man. The reason I tell you of David is to uncover, highlight, and deflower his pathetically un-popped ocean cherry. By this, I am stating that in David's 21+ years on this planet, David has never seen an ocean. Never inhaled a salty breath or felt the stinging sand in the wind. He has never built a sand castle or heard a sea lion's eloquent bark. Never has he wrote his name in cursive where the water meets the earth. In simpler terms, David has never felt like this:

To suture this wound and fill the void, David decided to travel abroad. I would have thought perhaps Nice or San Sebastian, or Barcelona even... But David decided to travel to Italy: the boot kicking island futbols smack dab in the middle of the Mediterranean with more coastline than most (if not all) countries connected to the European landmass. Not bad, eh? Hurray for Dave! Naples? Or even Rome, perhaps? Nope...... Perugia:

If you can't see, Perugia is that little dot smack dab in the middle of the country. So no ocean for David. And with those 21+ years on this earth, and roughly 30 of those days abroad, and even a trip near the coast, David has yet to physically see the ocean. Apparently his attempt failed because "it was too foggy." David sad...

So now, this David:

and this David:

However, I offer this blog not out of malice or an ill-humored motive, but with concern. It is up to us to make David's dreams of ocean viewing become a reality. I have set up a number of websites and charities that will assert this problem (see: savedave.org and the "Making Fat People Happy Foundation"). To sum things up and gain your sympathy I gave you this David:

A David who has never experienced this:

David smack dab. David sad. (Lets just hope the Mediterranean even counts as an ocean. If not, our good friend David is shit out of luck.)