Since the beginning of time (roughly), it has been frowned upon for us males to leave the toilet seat up. And, after many arguments ending in fisticuffs (damn straight), not getting any, and sleepless nights, I have decided to publish my disapproval of this unspoken agreement between sexes and toilet seat preferences.
To start things off, the rule doesn't make any fucking sense.
I'm sure all of you have been in a public bathroom, needing to go number two (or one and two, ladies), seen a fair amount of splatter on the seat, and either:
a. cried, left, and held it
b. cried and sat down
c. hovered
or
d. folded about nine squares of tp and cleaned up some stranger's urine.
If it was common law to leave the seat up, our bathroom culture would bypass the hazards left by lazy males who are too stoned to lift up the seat and aim correctly. This would then leave the throne dry for all to sit upon.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Well if the seat was always up, then women would have to touch the seat for both numbers one and two."
Here's my answer: Since the invention of indoor plumbing, men have been touching (or not touching) the undersides of seats grimy and gruesome, only to keep in line with the ridiculous unspoken toilet law of society.
If women were to adopt this new rule today, it would take hundreds of years for their seat-touching sacrifices to equal the historic numbers of man.
And, as a result, we would never have to mop up unfamiliar pee again.
(Unless, of course, your seat is down because your precious little dog prefers toilet brand water. If that's the case, I suppose we are screwed.)
Photo of Chris the dog courtesy of my girlfriend. Somehow got one of those! Right on!
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